


The Long Con

by needleyecandy



Series: Silly September [25]
Category: Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Brief Gore, Falling In Love, Florida, Hippies, M/M, Nudity, criminals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-12
Updated: 2016-09-20
Packaged: 2018-08-14 16:30:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8020963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/needleyecandy/pseuds/needleyecandy
Summary: Loki has gotten through life running cheap scams and two-bit hustles, and he undoubtedly would have continued had he not gotten caught cheating the wrong people. He escapes by the skin of his teeth and in the process finds a new opportunity, a chance at a better way of life. The hot landlord is just a bonus.Really.





	1. Chapter 1

It was impossible to say whether it was his lungs or his legs that burned more. Not that it mattered. He had to keep running if he wanted to get out of here alive.

He stopped when he heard a car behind him. There was no point running anymore after that. They’d found him and he might as well spend his last few seconds of life with what little dignity he could still muster while gasping for breath and dripping with sweat. He turned to face them - and found it wasn’t them.

“This isn’t the sort of place people go for a run,” the man said after rolling down his window. He was tall and pale with long dark hair pulled neatly back. “Do you need a lift?”

Loki was into the car before the man could blink. “Go,” he said. “Fast. I was kidnapped and once they realize I got away they’re going to come after me.”

“ _Oh._ Lord have mercy. Hold on,” the man said. He hit the gas and in seconds the little green Honda was going as fast as it could take the winding turns through the swamp. “My phone’s in the glove compartment. Can you call 911? I want to keep my hands on the wheel.”

“Sure,” Loki said, clicking it open. He didn’t relish the thought of going to jail, which was undoubtedly what would happen the moment the cops showed up, but it beat the hell out of being murdered and dumped in the Everglades over a deal gone bad. The box was crammed with papers and old napkins and unused straws, with a phone and a wallet crammed on top of it all.

“That stuff doesn’t fit in my pockets when I sit down,” the man explained.

Loki nodded and took out the phone. “No bars,” he said, unsure how to feel about it. They were making a pretty good speed, and he wasn’t sure any pursuers would be able to catch up with them.

“Drat,” the man said. “Well, we’ll just keep going as fast as we can, all right?”

“Thanks. My name’s Loki, by the way.”

It was met with a suspicious glance. “Why did you say you got kidnapped again?”

“Huh? I don’t know why I got kidnapped.”

“You saw that on my insurance card,” the man said flatly.

“I saw what on your insurance card?”

“My name. Is this a weird carjacking or something?”

“What? No, look.” Loki reached into his pocket and dug out his wallet, holding out his license. “See? Loki Jarsson.”

“Huh. Well, I’ll be darned. I’m Loki too. Obviously.”

“Nice to meet you, Loki Two. Shame about the circumstances.”

That got him a laugh. “God does work in mysterious ways.”

“Oh. Um. Yeah.”

“You don’t believe in God?”

“Not really…” Loki said vaguely.

“That’s all right. He believes in you!”

Loki tried to smile as the other man roared with laughter which went on seemingly forever. “So where are you headed?” he asked.

“A little town in Indiana. I got a new job there, sight unseen, can you believe it? Just a bunch of phone interviews.”

“Wow, I didn’t know things like that happened.”

“You see? God looks out for us.”

Loki didn’t know how to answer that, and they fell into silence. They’d driven at least an hour when the car began to slow.

“I’m sorry, man. I had a big gulp with my lunch,” said the driver. “If I still had my cup I'd use it, but I gotta pull over. I’ll be quick.”

Loki twisted around in his seat as they pulled over to the side, watching the road behind them. It was impossible not to picture the other car looming suddenly into view, framed by mangroves and Spanish moss. The other Loki had left his door hanging open. That was how Loki heard the screaming. He leaned over and peered out to find that the other Loki had just been bitten in half by an alligator. There was blood everywhere and his unseeing eyes stared blankly. Loki stared back into them.

“I guess God looks out for gators, too,” he said, sliding into the driver’s seat and slamming the door shut. The car was still running and he hit the gas as the huge animal dragged the rest of the body down into the water.

The interstate was signposted as soon as he reached the outskirts of Naples and he slowed down as he took the exit. Back in civilization, in a car that his pursuers weren't looking for, the cops were once again of paramount importance. And once he was on 75 northbound, he could really relax.

He got a hotel room in Tampa and took inside the other Loki's things to dig through it all and start learning his new life. He began with the wallet. It was spartan, holding little beyond a couple of twenties, a driver's license, a debit card, a credit card, and a Winn-Dixie card. He emptied it and shook it out, hoping to find a slip of paper with the PIN written down, but there was nothing. Not until he checked the phone and found himself doubly in luck: there was no lock screen, and there was a scribble page with the debit card PIN and email passwords. No bank account info, which would have been handy, but with email access he could figure it out. And once he got to the new job, he'd probably be opening a local account anyway. That seemed like the sort of thing people in small towns did, and he was ready for a long hunker down somewhere nice and safe.

The duffel bag from the back seat had more of what he needed. Everything, almost. Social security card, passport, and the job offer letter. He read it twice without blinking.

Oh, this was going to be fun.


	2. Chapter 2

He slept well that night, the most restful sleep he'd had in weeks now. Ever since the deal had begun to sour he'd found himself waking up throughout the night, worrying, never getting more than an hour or two at a time. But that had been Loki Jarsson. Now he was Loki Odinson, and Loki Odinson slept the sleep of the just.

Breakfast was a rushed coffee and pastry from the coffeeshop in the lobby; he had a long day's drive ahead of him and he needed to get started. He ate it in the elevator up to his room and in two trips he had the car reloaded and ready to go.

If Loki had been asked to describe the perfect day for a road trip, it would have been pretty much exactly like this. The skies had a smooth, even cloud cover, just enough to buffer the blaze of the sun and cut its glare. He had a habit of spending hours in front of the mirror, anxiously studying the tiny crinkles that were beginning to appear around his eyes, and he made it a particular point to avoid squinting. Sunglasses helped but they could only do so much.

The traffic, once he got outside of Tampa, was sparse and fast. He kept his own speed close to but just below that of the fastest cars, letting them get pulled over instead. This car, though lacking the style he would have preferred, was exactly the sort of practical, sensible vehicle that cops somehow always overlooked. He made good enough time that every half hour or so he had to rescan the radio for new stations as they fell away behind him.

He would have liked to drive for a while with the windows open. The air was the perfect temperature for it, just warm enough that a breeze would feel perfect, but he couldn’t afford it. If he was going to pull off this scam – which he fully intended to do, for quite a long time – he needed every possible moment for study and practice. So he kept the A/C on and jumped from station to station, listening and repeating. It was almost a new language; even the speech patterns were different from anything he was used to. This really was a whole world he knew nothing about, and didn’t have much time to learn.

Even with his attention focused on the voices pouring from the tinny speakers, he couldn’t help taking in the sheer Floridaness around him. There was more than one of what appeared to be cocaine-fueled high speed chases that gave him a faint twinge of nostalgia paired with the knowledge that he was better off having that part of his life behind him. Periodically he would pass tweakers playing in the interstate traffic and white men in oversized trucks covered in Confederate flag stickers who had somehow convinced themselves they weren’t racist because they listened to hip-hop. He wondered what it would be like in Indiana.

It took longer to get through Atlanta than he would have liked, but he wasn’t expected in Burkesfield until the following day, so he didn’t mind too terribly. He got a room in Bowling Green, which was close enough that he’d be in his new home by early afternoon the next day. He spent a little more time that night reading through the oth- no, _his_ emails, making sure he had his story down so well he could repeat it in his sleep. There was a moving truck following him; it should arrive the same day he did, though it was probably several hours behind. He had the address for his new landlord’s place, and he would stop there as he arrived in town to pick up his key. He did a double take when he saw the rent. It was less than he had paid for a studio in Miami, and this was a whole house. He had been a little surprised last night when he read over the offer letter to find such a low salary, but if this was any indication of the cost of living, he would do very well for himself indeed. And he couldn’t forget the fact that there were still two men out there who wanted him dead and would never think to look for him in a little town in Indiana.

In the morning he decided that any last-minute practicing would just set him on edge, so he left the radio off and put the windows down, letting the breeze and the smooth thrum of new tires on the asphalt lull him into confidence.

The exit for Burkesfield was utterly barren; not so much as a single gas station rose up from the fields that surrounded the interchange, and there wasn’t a single car either before him or in his rear view mirror for as far as he could see. Some of the fields had what he supposed could be called amber waves, so he decided they must be grain. Others had tall green plants or short bushy ones and those he didn’t have a clue.

The fields at last gave way to sprawling yards, many of them surrounded by the sort of fences that Loki thought were only ever seen on tv, and then into a business area that he guessed must be downtown. When he stopped at red lights, the people crossing the street in front of him smiled hello. It was bizarre, but kind of nice. The GPS led him back into more outskirts until he was told to stop in front of a two-story house that was surrounded by what appeared to be a huge vegetable garden in place of a yard. A man was busy digging in it. A _gorgeous_ man, Loki corrected himself when the man straightened and turned to wave hello. He was tall and completely covered in muscles. Even the worn and frayed jeans and tie-dye shirt didn't put Loki off. Not even the beads braided into his hair. The long, shining blond hair that was otherwise loose and free, hanging in perfect soft waves that perfectly framed his perfect face.

Loki parked and got out as Mr. Gorgeous strode over the upturned soil to meet him. “Hi. Are you Thor?” he asked.

“I am.” Thor gave him a warm smile that shone from his radiant blue eyes and enveloped Loki in a giant bear hug. He smelled like patchouli and rich warm earth. “I'm so happy you're here, Reverend."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't credit this earlier because the title would have been a spoiler - the idea for this came from imdb suggesting I watch the show 'Impastor.' I read the summary and here we are.

Loki went stiff - he really wasn't much of a hugger - before remembering who he was supposed to be and giving in to it. "I'm very happy to be here too, my son," he answered. "And outside of church, please feel free to call me Loki."

Thor drew back, leaving his hands on Loki's shoulders. There was another one of those smiles on his face. (Unless it was the same one. Thor seemed like the sort to smile even when no one was looking. Loki had always found that sort of cheerfulness unsettling before.) "Okay, Loki," he said. "I can already tell you're going to be great." He gave Loki another hug, sighing happily into his ear.

Loki tentatively put his arms around Thor's back and gave a squeeze. There, that wasn't so bad, even if he couldn't help suspecting that it was due largely to the firm body pressed against him. And Thor smelled really good. He looked good and he felt good and he smelled good and oh fuck Loki had to get out of this hug before Thor felt something that Loki was pretty sure was inappropriate between a minister and a member of the flock.

"Thank you, but truly, I am merely a humble messenger of the Lord. And while I would love to stay and learn about what you're doing here," he began, pulling away to gesture at Thor's yard, "the moving truck is on its way and I ought to be there to meet them."

"Oh, yes. Of course. I'll be right back." Thor dashed inside. His worn jeans clung deliciously and Loki's mouth went dry as he watched Thor bound up his front steps. In a minute he was back, giving Loki another of those megawatt smiles. "Here you go," he said, holding out a keychain. From it dangled a single key and a gray kitten charm. The kitten had wide, heart-shaped eyes. At least it wasn't a peace sign, Loki thought.

"Thanks," Loki said.

"It's _my_ pleasure. Really. And you must come over for dinner tonight, the rest of the committee is coming and I know they're all just as excited to meet you as I was."

Loki blinked. "Committee?"

"The search committee. From the church. I got to be the head, what with us being neighbors."

"We are?"

"Mmmm. It's more of a drive than you'd expect, with how long these blocks are, but our backyards meet. You just have to come out your backdoor and you're basically here. We're eating at six."

"Oh. That's great," Loki said, forcing a smile onto his face. "Well, I'd best be going for now."

"You must be hungry. Take some carrots," Thor said, bending down and yanking some out of the ground. He held them out proudly by their greens.

Loki reached out and took them, trying to tell himself that the shock that hit him when their fingers brushed together was just static electricity.

Thor stood in the road, waving, as Loki drove away.

Not only were the blocks long, the roads were winding enough that if it weren't for Thor saying so, he'd never have guessed that he was basically doubling back, no more than fifty yards east.

The street his new home was on was like something out of a picture book. It was narrow and a row of trees on either side arched out over the road so that the sunlight came down dappled upon the pavement. Children and dogs romped together in huge front yards. Cats strode down the sidewalk as though it had been laid just for them.

His house was easy to find. The trees out front were filled with streamers and the tasteful shrubs hiding the cinder block foundation had helium balloons dancing above them. It was big and old and had a fresh coat of pale yellow paint over the clapboard sides. Chocolate brown shutters and door complemented the lighter brown shingles. It was exactly the sort of house he used to see on tv growing up and knew was never meant for people like him.

And now it was his.

He pulled into the driveway and got out. Welcoming messages and cheerful designs had been chalked all over the path to the front door. He found himself stepping carefully around them as he approached. The lock was a little sticky, but with an extra hard turn of the key it opened. The hinges were smooth and silent and the door swung open to reveal his new home.

Sunlight beamed through the windows and made the dark wood floors glow. They creaked agreeably beneath his feet as he walked. To his left was a huge airy living room, and to the right a smaller dining room with the kitchen behind. He closed the door behind him and went up the stairs.

He went down the hall, looking into each room in turn but not going in any until he got to the back of the house. The window in the south wall was shaded by a tall tree, its branches high enough to leave clear the view. And there was Thor's yard. The back, just like the front, had been given entirely over to turned earth and a flourishing bounty that already reminded him of his new landlord.

By the time the movers arrived, he'd acquainted himself well enough with the house that he felt ready to tell them where things should go.

"Upstairs, back bedroom," he said when they approached with a gleaming brass bed frame.

"Right there," he said, pointing, when the dinner table had been angled in the door.

Of course something had to be difficult. He nearly choked on his own spit when he saw a giant harp emerge from the truck. "Upstairs, in a closet. Anywhere it won't be seen," he said, peering outside to see if anyone had noticed it. A woman with long dark hair was just passing. She smiled and waved.

"Fuck," he muttered, ducking back in. Still, the odds that she was a member of his congregation had to be pretty low.

As soon as they finished with the furniture and started piling the boxes in the corner of the living room he began grabbing them from the stacks, trying to make sense of the different colored stickers on the sides.

"No, pink goes to the kitchen!" he shouted as another box was added to the pile.

Once the crew knew what the colors meant, Loki found himself a seat where he could be out of the way and read until the truck was empty.

There had been a bible in the hotel room which he'd stolen before he checked out. The radio ministers couldn't teach him everything, though he had to admit they seemed good at getting money out of people. He opened to a random page and began to read.

"Levi-ticus," he murmured to himself. "Like the jeans?"

Levi-ticus turned out to be a gold mine. He would have seriously fucked things up if he hadn't read it – who knew that it was forbidden to eat fat? Well, religious people, obviously. They'd have been on to him pronto. Also the whole shellfish thing. That would be tough, but maybe it would be easier here in Indiana. Other rules kind of freaked him out that they had to be stated. Was this really the only reason people weren't forcing their daughters into prostitution and fucking their livestock? Thor didn't seem like the sort of person who needed to be told those things, but the rest of the congregation was still an unknown quantity. It might yet prove that his background as a hardened criminal was the only thing that could get him through this job.

The movers finished, dropping the last boxes on the floor in front of Loki and looking at him meaningfully.

"Oh! You're waiting for your tips, aren't you," he guessed.

As one, they nodded.

He held up the bible. "There's a lot of wisdom in here," he said. "No cow fucking."

They looked less than impressed, but they went away. It left him with just enough time to rummage through the bedroom boxes – dark blue stickers – to find something halfway decent to wear to this dinner. A flash of motion caught his eye and he went to look out the window. Thor was still working in his yard, kneeling in the rich black earth and collecting baby lettuce leaves.

Well, Loki hadn't seen any biblical rules against naked farming.


	4. Chapter 4

He flung himself away from the window, pretty sure that even if "the priest shalle not covet his parishioner's asse" wasn't in the part he'd read, it was probably in there somewhere. Something like that, anyway. He briefly considered changing which room was to be his bedroom, but he liked being in the west. It was easier to sleep late, and that was important. He'd just have to get some curtains up as soon as he could.

At least the boxes were stacked in a blind corner, so he could get a start on opening them and looking for clothes without having to worry about Thor looked up and seeing him. He had forty-five minutes to find a suitable outfit and get changed for dinner. He needed them all.

It was 5:57 when he left his house, locking the kitchen door behind him though this seemed like the sort of place people didn't do that, and crossed the yards over to Thor's house. His own yard was covered in lush, dense grass, the sort that begged for him to take his shoes off and savor the feel of it against his skin. Thor's was more suited to heavy work boots. Oh, it was neat, full of charmingly planned raised beds and the north fence covered in arching raspberry canes, but in between these things there were clods and clumps of mud to climb over.

The whole back of the house was one long screened-in porch. Loki hesitated, wondering whether he should go in and knock on the back door, or whether he ought to circle around to the front. The front seemed more professional, but then again Thor seemed like someone who was big on neighborliness, and the back door would be more familiar. _Not_ that he was thinking about Thor’s back door, of course. No coveting the parishioner’s ass, no matter how hot he was, no matter how perfectly shaped it was, and he clearly gardened nude a lot, because that sun-kissed gold covered _everywhere…_

Thor solved his problem by swinging open the door and waving to him. “Come on in!” he said. “I’m just getting the table set.”

Loki climbed the three steps up to the porch, smooth wood that had been bleached to a silvery-gray by the sun and edged with potted plants, and swung open the creaky door. The porch had a swing and an overstuffed sofa on either end. “This must be great when the mosquitos get bad,” Loki said.

“It is,” Thor agreed. “I like sitting out here in the evening and watching the fireflies.”

Thor’s kitchen was decorated simply. The walls were painted a glossy white and the cupboards had clear glass doors to show the simple white dishes within. The table was a pale blond wood and was bare but for a little pot of red flowers. A plant, rather than cut. It suited him.

"This is nice," Loki said.

"Thank you. We're still waiting for a couple people, but you should come say hello."

Loki followed him through the low square archway into a hallway. The dining room was at the front of the house. Three people were sitting around the table, one man with tightly curled gray hair and warm brown eyes, and two women.

"Reverend, it's such a blessing to meet you! I can't wait to hear you play your harp. I'm Millicent," said the dark-haired one as she stood up to hug him.

"My harp. Ehm, yes," he mumbled, trying to hug back convincingly.

"And I'm Judith," added the other woman. She hugged him too, but it was mercifully brief, so that there wasn't really enough time for him to be expected to respond.

"And I'm Thomas. But not doubting," the man said with a wink. Everyone laughed uproariously.

Loki barely missed a beat before he joined in. "That is a good one," he said, clapping him on the back. He made a mental note to look it up when he got home.

They drew their chairs out to sit back down and Loki started to take the open one next to Thomas – he seemed slightly less overwhelming than the others – but Thor stopped him. "Please take the head, if you would so honor us," he said.

He really didn't want to, but he couldn't think of anything from the radio or the Bible that he could use to argue, so he slid back the proffered chair and sat down. Thor poured them all water from a glass pitcher that seemed half full of green stems and purple flowers. Loki took a small sip. It tasted like licorice and perfume.

"The chervil is good for cholera, and violets prevent tuberculosis," Thor explained.

Loki blinked at him. He had known Indiana would be different, but he had not prepared himself for an onslaught of nineteenth-century diseases. "Are those a problem in this area?" he asked cautiously.

"Not really," Thomas said.

"Not since penicillin. But it never hurts to be safe," added Judith.

Thor nodded. "Exactly. I have large patches of both of them in the back. Please feel free to help yourself," he offered.

"Oh. Thank you," Loki answered.

The screen door squeaked as two more people came in and everyone stood up again.

"Reverend Loki, please let me introduce Marcus and Joanne," Thor said.

They came in carrying what looked like a large piece of black rubber all rolled up. "Nice to meet you," they said.

"You as well." With their hands full, they couldn't really touch him. It was great. Maybe they were a little more normal, maybe they could be a respite when the burdens of being a minister got to be too much...

"Here, let me move these seats so you can get to the outlet," Thomas said.

"Thanks," Marcus said, getting onto his knees and crawling under the table with the piece of rubber. He emerged a moment later with a power cord, which he plugged in behind the table. He and Joanne took their shoes off and sat down.

"There's just so much EMF pollution these days," Joanne said, shaking her head sadly.

"I hope you practice grounding, Reverend," added Marcus. He looked distressingly earnest.

The most important thing was not to panic. "Oh, I ground religiously," Loki said, letting his eyes go all wide and sincere.

Fortunately, before they could say anything else Thor returned from the kitchen with a small woven basket of fresh rolls, their steam winding its way through the layers of napkin folded over to keep them warm. "You're not trying to sell the Reverend one of your grounding mats, are you?" he asked.

"We're just concerned about him," said Joanne.

"We'd hate to see him die of EMF pollution like Reverend Tim did," agreed Marcus.

"Reverend Tim died of thyroid cancer," Thor pointed out.

"And how do you think he got that?" Joanne snapped before recovering herself and turning to Loki with a forced smile. "The EMF built up in his thyroid system."

"I'm pretty sure the thyroid is actually a-" began Loki.

"He got it because he refused to drink the goldenrod and seaweed tonic I made him!" Thomas interrupted.

Millicent snorted. "Oh, please. It's parasites. It's all parasites."

Thor turned a pleading gaze upon Loki and Loki realized that like it or not, it was his place to settle things down. "Please," he said loudly, "let us break bread in friendship." That was pretty good, he thought, and apparently the others agreed, because they quieted and passed the basket.

Then they all sat staring at him like he was supposed to do something.


	5. Chapter 5

"Would you say Grace, Reverend?" Thor finally asked.

"Grace," Loki said, confused.

They kept staring at him like he was supposed to do something else. Something more. His mind scrambled frantically.

"Grace," he said again. "Let us think upon it. There's a lot of words that start with grace, like graceful, which is someone who doesn't break things, and gracious, which is someone who's nice, and it also sounds like gracias which means thank you. So what do these words have in common, besides how they kind of sound alike?"

He paused to think. That was when he realized that Marcus was nodding earnestly and Judith was not only smiling but _crying_. Oh, yes. He was nailing whatever this thing was that he was doing.

"They're all good things. And we should think about them, and about what else is good, and we should, ah, try to be good too. Amen," he added, which as far as he'd been able to figure out meant _the end._

At that Thor leapt from his chair to lean down and wrap his arms around Loki. "Thank you so much for those words of wisdom," he said into his hair. "I think we all needed to hear them."

The rest of the table dabbed their eyes and nodded.

"There, there, my son. Let's amen this now and have our dinners," Loki suggested, patting him on the arm.

Thor straightened up and nodded. "You're right. I'm just so grateful you're here." He sat down and everyone cracked open their rolls.

"Excuse me. Is there..." Thomas began, looking around the table.

Thor smacked his head. "Butter! Sorry, I forgot."

"You eat butter?" Loki asked, shocked.

"Well... yes. I'm so sorry, are you vegan? I didn't even ask."

"I'm not, but fat is prohibited. Leviticus three-seventeen."

Everyone blinked at him before bursting into laughter.

"Oh, good one, Reverend!" Marcus gasped.

"Levi-ticus," said Millicent, setting them off anew.

"For a second there I thought you were serious," Thor said. He was still chuckling when he returned with the butter.

Loki buttered his bread since everybody else was and decided he'd better look up pronunciations when he got home, as well as trying to figure out if there were any other rules that he didn't have to worry about. He hoped this wasn't the only one. His favorite jeans - the ones he'd been wearing when he had been caught, fortunately - had a little spandex in them. It wasn't a lot, just enough to make them hug his ass just so. Even reverends could be proud of their asses, he decided.

The others seemed to be making more of an effort to be polite, too. The oven dinged and Marcus offered to take care of it so Thor could stay in his seat. Judith followed him and started carrying in the plates as they were filled, and Joanne topped off the water glasses.

Loki had – with very good reason, he thought – been suspicious of what they’d be given for dinner, but he was pleasantly surprised with what appeared before him. There was pasta with lots of big shrimp – definitely no fins or scales there – next to a lush helping of greens dotted with bits of tomato and a pile of fat carrot slices, gleaming with sweet butter.

Everyone remained cordial as they began eating. They started out mostly talking to Loki, to make sure he felt included. Marcus asked him if he'd seen any good movies recently. Judith asked him his first impressions of Indiana. ("It's really flat," he'd said, setting off a chorus of laughter.) Everything was going smoothly until Millicent spoke up.

"I hope you'll grace us with your harp playing one day in church," she said.

"You play the harp?" asked Thor.

"Just for fun," Loki said. "I couldn't dream of performing."

"It looked really fancy, not the sort of thing that's just for fun. You're being modest, I know it," Millicent said.

"I'd really rather-"

"Oh, please? The Psalms tell us to make a joyful noise unto the Lord!"

There was a rule Loki could have done without. Fortunately, Judith broke in before he had to answer. "If he doesn't want to, we should accept it. We don't want to give you a bad first impression," she finished, turning to him.

Maybe she wasn't so bad.

"You're right. I apologize. I love harp music and I got overly excited," Millicent told Loki. "You know, Judith, your hair has been looking great recently."

"Why thank you! I've been cutting it according to the lunar cycle and it's really making such a difference."

"The lunar cycle?" Loki repeated before he could stop himself.

She nodded earnestly. "I only cut it on the night of the new moon. I started three months ago and it's already so much thicker than it ever was before."

 _Don't doubt your first impressions, Loki,_ he told himself.

He somehow made it the rest of the way through dinner without his head exploding, and when dessert was done, the others began to make their way out, until Loki was alone with Thor. He stifled a yawn. “I'd better say goodnight, too. Thank you for dinner.”

“Goodnight. Please do let me know if there’s anything at all you need,” Thor said.

“Well, I hate to ask,” said Loki, who in truth didn’t mind at all. “Could I have some cereal so I don’t have to go grocery shopping tonight? I maybe have some chips left from a snack stop, but that’s it for food.”

Thor's eyes flared wide. “I can’t think of you eating dry cereal for breakfast, not on your first morning in your new home. Come over around eight. I’ll make something.”

Loki smiled gratefully. He did actually mean that. “That sounds great. Well, goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

Loki hadn’t fully realized how tired he was until he got to his bedroom and realized that though he’d assembled the frame, he still had to put on the sheets. He staggered about, fighting with the corners, and was asleep before his head hit the pillow.

The morning was bright and cool and if he had only been able to sleep past the stupid sunrise it would have been beautiful. He wandered to the window to glare at the birds singing happily in his tree.

Thor was already awake, and he was outside picking blueberries.

This time, with his reactions still all sleep-slow, Loki didn't move away from the window anywhere near fast enough. Thor glanced up, saw him watching, and stood to wave. He wore a bright sunshiney smile and absolutely nothing else, and... nature had been _very_ kind.

Loki collected himself and waved back, firmly meeting Thor's gaze while trying to get an eyeful of the billy club between his legs via peripheral vision. Even without being able to focus on it, it was impressive. He imagined the glorious struggle it would be to get that thing down his throat and he almost forgot how to stand. He turned away before he could humiliate himself.

"Fuck," he breathed, picturing Thor's perfect, gorgeous cock. Of all the things he had wanted to sit on in his life, that was at the top. The big, thick, pretty pretty top.

He was toast.


	6. Chapter 6

Loki somehow managed to dress himself and cross their yards to Thor's back door. Thor was just sliding the pan into the oven when Loki knocked on the screen door.

"Hi, come on in," Thor said, beaming. He had put on a pair of cutoff jeans and Loki couldn't decide if that was better or worse, with the way they teased at what as beneath them, clinging and hugging his ass.

"Thanks," Loki said, entering the screened porch and taking a seat at the kitchen table.

"I hope you like blueberries. I made muffins," Thor said.

"Oh, I definitely do. I like them a lot. As a matter of fact I love them," Loki told him. Right then Loki loved anything that was round and ripe. Just the sort of thing to sink his teeth into.

"Coffee?"

Loki blinked. "Sure. Thanks. I'm... I'm kind of surprised you drink coffee."

"Recent studies are finding it very useful in preventing senility. I want to keep sharp." Thor grinned tapped a finger to his temple before grabbing a mug from a glass-fronted cupboard and pouring a fresh cup. "How do you take it?"

"Sugar and cream, please."

"Living dangerously. Though I suppose for a man of God, it's different."

"It seems ungrateful not to enjoy the gifts that were given us," Loki said. _Like that view of you getting the cream from the bottom shelf of the fridge._

Thor set down their cups and sat across from Loki. "Tell me about Florida," he said. "I've never been."

Loki met his dreamy blue eyes. "Well, for a start, the ocean is... um..."

*

The next few days went fairly smoothly. Loki went out and bought some curtains right away so he didn't have to crawl around his bedroom to avoid ogling his parishioner, he stocked his pantry, and he got a good start unpacking the moving boxes. All in all he was settling comfortably into his new identity. He discovered that he had terrible taste in clothes, good taste in china, and apparently loved cooking. The cookbooks got hidden away; that was hardly the sort of skill he could fake, and unlike the harp where he could claim shyness, it seemed likely that he'd be expected to have people over for dinner sometimes and he didn't want to get anyone's hopes up.

There was also Sunday to prepare for. He had tried googling "fast sermons" but all he got were sermons about fasting and after the conversation at Thor's a few nights ago he didn't want to start any sort of dietary discussion.

On Saturday night there was a knock on his back screen door. Thor stood there, holding a covered dish.

"Hi. I made you breakfast for tomorrow," Thor said.

"Thanks, that was nice of you. Please, come in," Loki said.

Thor went in and set the pan on the counter. "Don't let me keep you if you're busy..." he said.

He had little braids scattered through his hair with flowers sticking out of them which somehow managed to look ridiculously hot rather than dippy. It probably didn't hurt that he was wearing an even shorter pair of cutoffs than before.

"Actually, I'd love some company. Would you join me for some wine?" he asked.

Thor beamed at him. "Thanks, I'd like that."

Loki grabbed two glasses and a bottle. "Want to sit on the swing? It's so pretty out, and I love fireflies."

The swing was old and the chains creaked, but somehow that all just added to the atmosphere. As did the fireflies, dancing through the twilight, and Loki found himself getting tipsy a lot faster than usual. Away from the rest of the welcoming committee, Thor was proving really easy to talk to, even if he was the most infuriatingly optimistic person Loki had ever met.

"Did you grow up here?" Loki asked.

"No, I moved here four years ago from Arizona. I came across this place and it just seemed right."

"It does seem to suit you. All the gardening... I mean, you seem really happy."

"I am happy. Before I came here I worked in banking. At first it was kind of exciting, working with such huge amounts of money, and I made a lot, but it got to be soul-crushing. And it's so cheap to live here, between your rent and selling my produce, I barely have to dip into my savings except when my truck needs repairs." He shrugged. "It's simple, but it suits me. How about you? Did you always want to be a minister?"

"I did. Even when I was little, I always knew. I went right from college to theology school, and then to my first congregation." He gave a little laugh. "But then I guess you knew that from my CV." The same way Loki knew.

"I still like hearing about it."

They swang lazily, talking as the sun went down and night fell. The wine ran out and they didn't notice. There was a beam of light from the kitchen window across Thor's face when the swing went forwards and Thor got this _look_ and for a second there Loki thought they were actually about to kiss.

"Well, I should get going. Goodnight, Reverend," Thor said.

"Loki," Loki said softly.

"Loki," Thor echoed.

*

Loki arrived at the church a couple minutes before the service was supposed to begin. He had a reserved parking space right in front, even better located than the disabled parking and while he wasn't sure that was legal it was also pretty sweet. He checked his hair in the rearview mirror, went inside, and strode straight down the aisle to the pulpit.

There they were. His flock. He looked out over their waiting faces for a long, silent time before he took a deep breath and began.

 **"GOD LOOKS DOWN ON US IN RIGHTEOUS ANGER!"** he shouted. He drew out the word 'God' into two syllables – _GOD-uh_ \- just like they did on the radio.

The entire congregation stared back at him in shock. Every single one. Apparently this wasn't a radio kind of church. His eyes settled on Thor. Thor actually looked _hurt_ and Loki felt a pang of guilt. Thor didn't deserve that. Thor had been nothing but kind and welcoming and very, very sexy.

"…is what I would be saying if I did not believe in mercy, but I do. God's love is everywhere. In the sunshine and flowers and rainbows and kittens and... ah..." - and here he glanced up at one of the wall hangings - "unicorns."

He could see the relief wash over them. They were smiling now, all of them smiling and nodding. He was definitely on the right track. This was a fucking _lush_ hideout and no one, not even he himself, was going to take it away.


	7. Chapter 7

Loki was standing at the door of the church, shaking hands with everyone as they filed out. A lot of people were telling him how much they'd enjoyed his sermon. It made him feel good inside. It was a strange feeling, but he liked it.

"I really liked your sermon," Thor said shyly.

That made him feel even better than the others. "Thank you," he said.

"You really got me at first, with that opening. I should have recognized your sense of humor."

"Oh, that. Yes. I'm afraid that people didn't get it right away."

"It's okay. I know everybody liked it a lot. You're just really different from Reverend Tim. People will get used to you."

"Thank you," Loki said again. He realized he was still holding Thor's hand. He didn't let go.

"Would you like to go for a walk tonight, if you're free? There's something I want to show you."

Loki smiled. "That sounds fun."

*

Loki drove straight from church to the mall two towns over, where he was reasonably sure no one would recognize him. The outer layers of his new wardrobe were bad enough but just in case Thor was hitting on him – he couldn't really tell – there was no way in hell he was showing up for this 'walk' in his inherited (and _heavily_ washed) tighty whities.

He went to three stores before he found the perfect pair. He'd been buying plenty of others along the way, of course - nearly everything was an improvement - and also a shirt that caught his eye. And then he got to the next store and there they were just waiting for him. Forest green silk, understated until one touched them.

There was just enough time to wash them in the sink and let them hang-dry before he needed to get ready. The boxers were light enough to wear under his own slimly cut jeans. He paired them with one of his ugly shirts, which was painful, but a necessary sacrifice, he decided.

At seven he met Thor by the swing.

"Hi," Thor said.

"Hi," Loki said.

"I brought some lemonade," Thor told him, holding up a sweating glass bottle. "Do you mind sharing? I can grab a couple cups if you prefer."

Considering that Loki's hopes for the evening involved having his tongue down Thor's throat he could hardly object to sharing a bottle. "No, that's fine," he said.

"Great. Let's go that way," Thor said as he pointed towards the setting sun.

They reached the sidewalk and turned north, towards the outskirts of town. The fireflies were out and there was a light breeze and Thor had on cutoffs again. They'd been walking maybe twenty minutes, making conversation that was either Thor being really nice or Thor trying to get into his pants (he still couldn't tell, and it was driving him nuts) when he noticed something.

"What's that smell?" he asked.

Thor laughed, sounding utterly delighted. "You'll see."

And soon he did. There was a wall of plants ahead of them, too small and bushy for trees but awfully big and tall for shrubs, and they were covered in huge clusters of pale purple flowers.

"They're lilacs," Thor said. "I know they don't grow very well in Florida, and I thought... well, I know we must seem really small town after what you're used to. I wanted to show you that you didn't just give things up. You got new things, too."

Thor was staring meaningfully into his eyes and Loki was thinking about how there was one new thing that he particularly wanted to get and he was just about to say as much out loud when Thor threw his arms around him. "I want you to be happy here. I just know how much spiritual growth you'll bring, to everyone."

Growth was very much on Loki's mind and if Thor wanted to call it spiritual Loki he certainly wasn't going to argue, but he still couldn't _tell_. He wasn't used to being around people who were just so flat-out nice and it almost made him wish Thor was kind of an asshole just so Loki could tell if he was flirting. Almost. The worst part of it was he knew exactly what to say to talk his way right into Thor's bed - lying was his primary talent in life, after all- and yet he didn't do it.

*

After the rough start of his first sermon, he got the knack for writing them. Just googling 'uplifting Bible quotes' and then looking up the important words in the dictionary covered two-thirds of it, and nobody seemed to mind. And people kept _doing_ things for him. Like, really fucking nice things. Some days he'd wake up to find that his lawn had been mown, or he'd hear a knock on the front door and when he opened it he'd find a pie sitting there, still hot, bursting with fruit. Sure, he also got bundles of odd herbs, half of which made him sneeze and all of which came with little notes about things there was no way they'd cure (lavender for insomnia, he could believe; lavender for broken legs was something else entirely), most of which he buried in Thor's compost pile late at night.

Once he got used to the people – and really, most of what he had to get used to was the fact that they were _actually_ nice, and not just trying to get something from him, like he was used to – he liked them too. They did things like collecting the fruit from their over-laden trees and giving it to food pantries instead of letting it fall and rot, and once a month a bus full of people went and built houses with Habitat for Humanity (attendance rotated, but Thor always went; the coordinator swore his help was worth two of anyone else), and they made sure that the old people in the town, the ones whose kids had moved away, never lacked for company.

Best of all, there was Thor. He seemed to appear at Loki's door more and more often, and they'd sit together on the swing, watching the stars and fireflies come out together. He did that the night of a meteor shower, holding up a six-pack and a loaf of homemade orange bread and asking if the skies in Florida were dark enough to see shooting stars. That night they lay next to each other on a blanket into the early morning.

It wasn't until the shower was nearly over that Thor turned to him and spoke.

“I really like you, Loki," Thor said.

The reason why so many long-cons failed was that people got sloppy, started getting attached and emotionally involved and then it all went to shit. It was the classic trap and Loki knew how utterly, vitally important it was not to fall into it.

“I really like you too, Thor,” he said.

Whoops.


	8. Chapter 8

Loki was sure they were going to start making out after that – he was already turning onto his side so that Thor would have easy access – when Thor sat up. "I just wanted you to know how happy I am that we're making friends," he said.

"Oh. Yes. Me, too. Of course," Loki said.

"The shower is winding down. Should we call it a night?"

"Okay," Loki sighed.

*

People started coming to him for advice.

"My dad doesn't understand me," said Lisa.

"It's all about honesty and communication," Loki said.

*

People started coming to him for advice about _everything._

"Everybody says you give really good advice so I hope you can help, Reverend. I want to start experimenting with those big dragon-dick dildos, but my wife is afraid she'll hurt me," said James.

"It's all about honesty and communication. And patience. And lube," Loki said.

*

Loki visited Mr Murino in the hospital and sat at his bedside for nine hours, just holding his hand. He was released four days later and his daughter came to visit Loki. "You helped him so much. The doctors said it would be a week, at least," she said as she gave him a box of homemade cookies.

*

He got that weird feeling inside more and more often, the one where he felt good about helping others. When he looked in the mirror (which, to be honest, he did as much as ever) he started seeing, not tiny wrinkles, but the faces of people he had helped. It made him more confident and he began to branch out in his sermons. Sometimes he didn't even mention definitions or etymology once and no one seemed to mind. Summer gave way to fall, and Loki found himself entranced by the changing leaves, so much so that he devoted an entire service to them. By the time he was done, there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

Mid-afternoon, there was a knock on his door.

"I told you before, you can just come on in," he told Thor, his voice playfully reproving.

"It doesn't feel polite. You have so little time to yourself, I like to give you some privacy when I can," Thor said.

"That's sweet of you," Loki said, and somebody help him, he really meant it. _Fuck,_ he had it bad. Maybe he should take a few days off, find out how exactly to use that very generous amount of vacation time mentioned in his offer letter...

"You've never seen them before? The fall leaves, I mean?"

"Just in pictures. It seems like all the northerners back home have a calendar with them."

"I know a place to see them that will make you go crazy. Would you maybe like to go on a picnic with me?"

That was how he always seemed to spend time with Thor, he realized. Outdoors, on a swing or going for a walk. When it was rainy they sat on Thor's porch or in Loki's kitchen facing the open door, the scent of rain on rich earth pouring through the screen. His first evening in town was the only time he'd been in another part of Thor's house. He wondered what would happen to their friendship when winter came.

"I'd love to go on a picnic," he said.

Thor's face _glowed_ the way it always did when he was happy and he gave Loki one of those giant hugs. "I already packed it. It's in my truck," he said into Loki's ear. His warm breath stirred Loki's hair.

"I just need my jacket," Loki said. This jacket was all right; he was slowly replacing the terrible clothes in his wardrobe with acceptable ones, and the cooling weather was a perfect excuse to speed up the transition. The stark black brought out his eyes and the fitted tailoring brought out his trim waist and the subtle flare of his hips and he was convinced that Thor had to notice.

Thor had to notice everything, he thought, as they walked together through their yards to the street where Thor's mud-spattered truck waited for them. Loki was flirting more and more obviously despite getting nowhere, but every time he resolved to give up he saw _something_ in Thor's face that made him think it wasn't a one-sided thing. Like there was something on the tip of his tongue, just waiting to be said. And yet it always disappeared right before Loki could make a more blatant move, leaving him questioning himself. This was a once-in-a-lifetime job and he just couldn't risk ruining it.

Thor drove them almost to the crest of a ridge and parked at the side of the road by a tall hedge. "Did I leave you enough room to get out?" he asked, leaning over to look out Loki's window.

"I can scoot over," Loki said.

By the time Loki was out of the cab Thor had gotten his basket (he used an actual picnic basket, with a red and white cloth inside and two wicker flaps on top, and Loki didn't think he'd ever get used to the sight of his massive friend with what pretty much looked like a Wizard of Oz prop) and was walking to the peak. He turned and smiled as Loki approached.

"Oh," Loki breathed. A forest stretched out below them, the fiery red leaves almost purple in the evening sun. He turned and met Thor's eyes. "It's beautiful."

"Yeah," Thor said, gazing back.

They spread out a blanket and ate, and if there was a little more seaweed and a little less cheese than Loki would have chosen, the cherry crisp at the end made up for all of it. The warm light turned Thor's blond hair to rose gold. "You don't have any flowers in your braids," Loki said.

"The flowers are gone for the year," Thor said. He sounded wistful and Loki got up, returning a minute later with the most brilliant leaf he could find. He sat back down and worked its tough stem into one of the plaits nearest Thor's face.

"There," Loki said.

Thor looked so fucking pretty as he said thanks.

*

They were on the outskirts of town when Thor started glancing at him like he was about to speak before biting his lip and remaining silent. _Yes, baby, just a little nudge and I'm going to have you naked as gardening time_. "Would you like to come over for tea?" Loki asked. "I still have a little of that strawberry-peppermint blend you made me."

Thor swallowed audibly. "Thank you. I'd like that," he said.

When they got back to the house Loki put a kettle on the stove while Thor hovered beside him.

"May I talk to you? Confidentially?" Thor finally asked.

"Of course. Please have a seat," Loki offered, gesturing to one chair while he took the other.

They sat together in silence.

The kettle began to whistle and Loki poured the water over the tea to steep.

Loki sat back down.

"Feel free to begin any time," Loki said.

"It's just... I really like being friends with you, and I'm afraid of what you'll think of me after you hear this. But I feel the need to confess something to you." Thor stared at Loki with wide eyes and chewed on his lip.

"Well, you know that in the First Church of Buddy Jesus we don't do confessions..." Loki began.

"Oh, I know. Not like that. I just need to unburden my soul. I have for such a long time now, but I don't want to ruin our friendship."

Loki patted his arm. "I don't think that will happen." It was impossible that Thor, Thor of the leafy braids and blueberry muffins, Thor of the heartfelt hugs and sunny smiles, could ever do anything worse than using whole-wheat flour in his pastries. Not Loki's favorite thing, admittedly, but it really was healthier and Thor always tried to be considerate of the well-being of others and-

"I'm a bank robber," Thor said.


	9. Chapter 9

Loki blinked. "You robbed a bank?"

"Banks," Thor corrected. "But I didn't hurt anyone, I promise! All the papers talked about how I'd destroyed a bunch of marble sculptures in my last job but that was the worst thing I could find in any of the reports. I didn't mean to do that, even, but it's really hard to aim when you're trying to use an assault rifle one-handed. I took my cash and drove until I found the right place to hide out. I'm trying to be a good community member, but... how wrong do you think it is to keep the money? I mean, I did work really hard for it."

Loki didn't even care about the money. Thor was a criminal too. _Thor was a criminal too._ And, okay, Loki did care about the money, but that just made it even better. Thor was a _loaded_ criminal. It was perfect. A bank robber on the lam was like five million times more likely to sleep with his pastor and Loki had waited long enough.

Except that he waited too long to answer and Thor's eyes got even wider and then he whispered, "I've ruined everything, haven't I?" and he jumped up and ran outside.

The door wasn't even closed behind him before Loki was out of his chair and running after him, jumping over awkward clods of soil and up onto Thor's porch.

"Thor?" he called as he went inside.

"I'm sorry. I'm packing, I'll go," he heard from upstairs. Loki had never been up there before. When he had gone - quite often - in his dreams, the boards were never so squeaky. The sound of old wood beneath his feet said so vividly this was real, this was really happening.

He found Thor in his bedroom, kneeling by his dresser and shoving things into a worn blue duffel bag. He sniffled and rubbed angrily at his nose as Loki came into the room.

"Thor. You've ruined nothing," Loki told him gently.

Thor looked up at him with anxious eyes. "But you still think differently of me now, don't you?"

"Well, yes, but... I'm not a minister. I'm a con man and I've never been to church before the day I gave my first sermon."

Thor's face cleared as he rose to his feet. "Face the wall. Hands behind your head, feet apart. No sudden moves. Are you carrying any weapons?"

Loki had been through it all enough to know it by heart and he did it in a haze, holding carefully still as Thor patted him down. "This was all a sting?" he asked faintly.

Thor was checking his inner thighs when he answered. "Nope. But you should have seen the look on your face."

Loki closed his eyes and leaned his head against the wall. "You got me," he admitted, chuckling.

Thor moved his hand. "No, now I've got you," he said.

"Yes, you most certainly do," Loki agreed. "Though it's better from the front."

Thor let go and spun him around. "Damn right," he said, and he took a long unblinking look at Loki's face before kissing him soundly.

Loki had never gotten to see The Cock up close before this. It looked even better than he could have dreamed. From the way Thor reacted as Loki's clothes fell away, he felt the same. Thor's hands were huge and rough and _everywhere_ and every time Loki moaned in pleasure Thor was there to drink it.

...though he also ended up moaning in pain, it turned out. Thor was a vigorous lover, as well as a thoughtful and creative one, but Loki was reasonably sure that he made it through without serious damage to his skull.

"I'm sorry. Did I bump you against the headboard?" Thor asked afterwards as Loki rubbed at the worst spot.

"A little," Loki faltered.

"Sorry. Was it still good?" Thor asked, and criminal or not there was that same sweet earnest look in his eyes as always.

"Definitely."

Thor heaved a sigh of relief. "Okay. That looks like you're getting a goose egg, do you want me to get you some ice?"

"That would be great," Loki admitted.

"Sure. I'll be right back."

Thor returned with an ice pack and a bowl of kale chips ("in case we get hungry," he explained, though Loki had serious doubts that dried leaves had ever sated the hunger of anyone, anywhere) and got back into bed.

Loki curled up against him, his head against Thor's shoulder and his arm reaching across his chest.

"Tell me everything about you," Loki said. He toyed idly with the coarse hair as Thor answered.

"Most of what I told you was the truth," Thor said. "All the stuff about my childhood, and growing up, that was all true. And after I moved here to start over, that was true too. I really did come to understand that this is the life for me. I love coaxing life from the soil, feeling it between my fingers... At first I joined the church to help with my cover, and it turned out that I liked that too. But I liked it even better when our new minister came."

Loki pressed a kiss to Thor's arm, savoring the warmth of his skin. "I had no idea what the fuck I was doing. That first sermon... the only ones I'd ever heard were radio preachers trying to get money from people instead of helping them."

"Well, you did a great job. I've been interested in you for so long, but I was afraid you might be FBI."

"What made you decide I wasn't?"

"I didn't. I decided it was worth the risk."

"That's very... Crap, I forget the word. It's very that thing where people say a nice thing."

"Flattering?"

"Yeah. That." Loki reached into the snack bowl and got a handful to munch on. "You know, these green things actually aren't too bad."

"The chips?"

"Yeah, them. What?" he asked when Thor sat up and looked at him funny.

"Look at me a sec."

Loki made a noise but did as Thor asked.

"Thought so. Get dressed." Thor got up and started rummaging through the pile of their clothes.

"What? Why?"

"You're forgetting words and your eyes don't match. We're going to the hospital."

"Don't you want to give me some freaky plant water or something instead?"

Thor laughed. "I'll make you some periwinkle tea when we get back."

*

Six hours, a moderate copay (that Thor paid in unmarked, nonsequential bills), and a doctor making them swear that from now on Loki would be on top, they were back at Thor's house and Thor was tucking him into bed.

"You'll stay with me?" Loki mumbled.

Thor leaned over and kissed his forehead. "Always. If we play it right, we can make this last forever."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and for all the great feedback! It really does mean a lot.


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